Cindy

My 1st Mother’s Day was spent in the hospital peering into the incubator of my 2 week old son. He was born 3 months premature and weighed only 2 lbs. He was dependent on a ventilator for every breath and was covered in tubes and wires. My husband’s wedding band fit around his wrist. I wished I could just hold him and make it all O.K. I thought, this is not how motherhood is supposed to begin.

This was also my first real test of how to trust in God in face of circumstances beyond my control. I grew up in a Christian home and committed my life to Jesus Christ as a young girl. Growing up, I had always wanted to be a mother and my love for children directed me to a career in teaching. My husband and I both wanted a big family and were excited to get started soon after we were married. We had no idea how difficult it would turn out to be to build our family.

Luckily I got pregnant right away, but when I was six months pregnant I ended up in the hospital with preterm labor. Our son’s heart-rate dropped with each contraction and when it could not be found I had to have an emergency c-section. As soon as our son, Joey, was born he was revived and rushed to the NICU.

For the next 65 days my husband and I woke up, drove to the hospital and sat by the incubator. Many days were touch and go and our prayers were frequent and desperate. Finally, our son grew strong enough to come home.
Why did God allow us to go through this trying time? In some ways it made our faith stronger. After all, we had prayed for our son to live and God had granted our request. Over the next year our son flourished and today he is a happy healthy 5 year old.

We wanted more children but knew there was a good chance that our next child would also be born premature. The doctors discovered I had a double uterus, but despite several unsuccessful surgeries predicted future pregnancies should be closer to term. I got pregnant again but ended up in the hospital at 19 weeks. For 5 weeks I was restricted to the most confining bed rest. I missed my husband and son terribly. I had a lot of time to pray and question why God was allowing this to happen.

Two days before New Years our second son, Jacob was born. He was 24 weeks gestation, the edge of viability. The doctors gave him a 75% chance of survival after he had made it through the first week. Two weeks later our doctor told us he didn’t think Jacob would make it through the night. My heart broke and the anger I had been harboring on bed rest erupted. But I still prayed for God’s mercy on our son. The next morning he was still alive but not improving. Our son was dying. We were able to hold him once before he died 4 days later. My husband and I grieved.

Our way to deal with the grief was to try another pregnancy as soon as we could. On my 3rd Mother’s Day I found out I was pregnant again. I was sure this was God’s way of healing our hurt. I was on bed rest again and had a rare surgery at 12 weeks to help delay the pregnancy to term but at 21 weeks I was back in the hospital again. A few days later I had a c-section with life-threatening complications and our third son, James, died during the delivery. We buried him next to his brother Jacob.

I did not understand why God had given me this strong desire for children yet the inability to have them. We were left with some very difficult decisions on how to build our family. With the help of medical science and a great friend who volunteered to be a surrogate for us we tried three times to have our own genetic child. Two of the tries resulted in pregnancies that ended in miscarriage. I began to feel we were cursed. Who were the children God had planned for me to mother?

After much prayer we decided to adopt. We waited for a newborn from the US without any luck so we decided to try international. We were even considering adopting 2 children if the situation was right.

After 3 weeks in Ukraine we brought home two 16 month old boys, Joshua and Johnathan. I finally had the happy ending to my story. However there’s more.

A week after returning home from Ukraine we got a call from a teenage girl in our neighbor hood who had heard we adopted and was interested in making an adoption plan for the baby she was soon to have. A baby girl might I add. Two months later we brought home our daughter, Alexis, from the hospital. We were thrilled and could not wait for the adoption to be final. However 6 weeks after our daughter had been in our home our adoption counselor called to inform us that the birthmother had changed her mind. Through the many disappointments we had been through we had learned that God does not always give us what we ask for, but he does give us peace to get through whatever the trial. This time we prayed for peace and God gave us peace and a change in heart from the birthmother who admitted to last minute jitters in a very difficult decision. Two days later the adoption was finalized and our family was complete, three boys, one girl.

Through all of this I have learned that children are a gift from God. God has given me the privilege to be the mother of four beautiful children here and I know my children await me in heaven. I end with an excerpt from a poem that reminds me of my special role of mother: “I’ll lend you for a little while, a child of mine,” He said, for you to love the while he lives and mourn for when he’s dead. I’ve searched the wide world over in search for Teacher’s True and from the throngs crowd life’s lanes I have selected you.” I am so grateful that God has chosen me to be the mother of my children.